I Hereby Resolve?

Most folks pick the first part of the year to make resolutions -- short-lived pacts with themselves about self-improvement, usually revolving around dietary discipline or exercise regimens requiring perspiration. Frankly, I don't know where they find the time.

In January my writing hand is still too cramped from all those Christmas cards I signed and thank you notes I wrote in December to be of any use at all. Besides, the memories of yuletide gastronomic excesses and other failures in moderation are still too fresh in my mind for me to attempt any serious improvement.

February is about the time all the January resolutions are broken. "Well, I lasted a month," people say, as if that were quite an achievement. It seems hardly sporting for me to try to duplicate their feat during the shortest month of the year.

I am sorry. I respectfully refuse to make resolutions in any month whose name sounds like a military command, SIR! Yes SIR! I concede that March owes its name to the mythological god of war, and that dieting can be war, but, SIR, I will burn my meal ticket before I knuckle under to any new attempts at discipline this month.

April? Come on! Lent is over, the Easter Bunny is about to visit . . . and we have a weakness for chocolate bunnies here at Clear Creek Ranch.

Springtime is in full bloom in May. A time of rebirth. A time to smell the roses, and the coffee . . . and shouldn't we stop by that new bakery in town and sample one of each? We need our strength to dance around the May Pole.

For sixteen of my summers, school let out in June. That month has always signified freedom, cutting loose, a time to unwind. Hardly a time to begin disciplining myself.

Independence Day falls in July -- beer and hot dogs (tofu pups now). Four days into the month and I'd be off my diet. It is also the month for vacations, travel, schedule disruptions, fast food on the run, and quaint gourmet restaurants that really depend on our tourist business to survive.

August is county fair month where I live, and I attend all five days. I need that much time to work my way through all the service club-sponsored food booths. I'm very public spirited.

School starts in September -- new school clothes, new teachers, new pencils (update that to floppy disks or whatever kids get now). This would seem to be the ideal month to make resolutions and start anew. But I must be a contrarian, I really hate to be one of the crowd.

And what use is it to start a diet in October? It's the only month of the year guaranteed to end with heaps of candy and sweets all over the house.

November is even worse. There is a traditional government-sponsored gastronomic booby-trap programmed into the fourth Thursday of this month. And then there is the added stress of last minute Christmas shopping.

Obviously December is too late in the year to begin a personal reform movement. Santa needs a longer pattern of good behavior than the three and one-half weeks I have until Christmas. Besides, there is that office party we have to go to. And it wouldn't be polite not to eat, especially after all the trouble someone went to.

Maybe next year . . .