Boomer Era Western TV Shows

1947 1960 Howdy Doody / Buffalo Bob Smith
1949 1951 Cyclone Malone / Ross Jones
1949 1957 Lone Ranger / Clayton Moore, Jay Silverheels, John Hart
1950 1956 Cisco Kid / Duncan Renaldo, Leo Carrillo
1950 1955 Gene Autry / Gene Autry, Champion
1950 1950 Marshall of Gunsight Pass / Eddie Dean
1951 1955 Kit Carson / Bill Williams, Don Diamond
1951 1953 Range Rider / Jock Mahoney, Dickie Jones
1951 1956 Red Ryder / Allan Lane, Louis Lettieri
1951 1957 Roy Rogers / Roy Rogers, Dale Evans, Pat Brady, Trigger, Bullet
1951 1962 Sky King / Kirby Grant, Gloria Winters
1951 1958 Wild Bill Hickock / Guy Madison, Andy Devine
1952 1952 Cowboy G-Men / Russell Hayden, Jackie Coogan
1952 1975 Death Valley Days / Stanley Andrews, Robert Taylor
1952 1954 Hopalong Cassidy / William Boyd, Topper, Edgar Buchanan, Andy Clyde
1953 1953 Action in the Afternoon / Jack Valentine
1954 1957 Annie Oakley / Gail Davis
1954 1959 Rin Tin Tin / Rin Tin Tin, Lee Aaker, James Brown, Joe Sawyer
1955 1956 Adventures of Champion / Gene Autry's Champion
1955 1956 Brave Eagle / Keith Larsen
1955 1956 Buffalo Bill, Jr / Dickie Jones, Nancy Gilbert
1955 1963 Cheyenne / Clint Walker
1955 1956 Davy Crockett / Fess Parker, Buddy Ebsen
1955 1956 Frontier / Walter Coy
1955 1960 Fury / Peter Graves, Bobby Diamond
1955 1975 Gunsmoke /James Arness, Milburn Stone, Amanda Blake, Dennis Weaver, Ken Curtis
1955 1958 Sergeant Preston of the Yukon / Dick Simmons, Yukon King
1955 1955 Spin and Marty / Tim Considine, David Stollery
1955 1956 Steve Donovan, Western Marshall / Douglas Kennedy, Eddy Waller
1955 1959 Tales of the Texas Rangers / Willard Parker, Harry Lauter
1955 1961 Wyatt Earp / Hugh O'Brian
1956 1960 Broken Arrow / John Lupton, Michael Ansara
1956 1958 Circus Boy / Micky Dolenz, Noah Beery Jr
1956 1958 Flicka (My Friend) / Johnny Washbrook
1956 1958 Jim Bowie / Scott Forbes
1956 1957 Judge Roy Bean / Edgar Buchanan, X Brands
1956 1958 Sheriff of Cochise / John Bromfield
1956 1961 Zane Grey Theater / Dick Powell
1957 1957 Boots and Saddles / John Pickard, Gardner McKay
1957 1959 Californians (The) / Richard Coogan
1957 1957 Casey Jones / Alan Hale Jr, Bobby Clark
1957 1960 Colt .45 / Wayde Preston
1957 1963 Have Gun, Will Travel / Richard Boone, Kam Tong
1957 1957 Hawkeye & the Last of the Mohicans / John Hart, Lon Chaney Jr
1957 1959 Man without a Gun / Rex Reason
1957 1962 Maverick / Jack Kelly, James Garner, Roger Moore
1957 1959 Restless Gun / John Payne
1957 1961 Sugarfoot / Will Hutchins
1957 1962 Tales of Wells Fargo / Dale Robertson
1957 1960 Tombstone Territory / Pat Conway, Richard Eastham
1957 1959 Trackdown / Robert Culp
1957 1959 Twenty-Six Men / Tristam Coffin, Kelo Henderson
1957 1965 Wagon Train / Ward Bond, John McIntire, Robert Horton, Frank McGrath
1957 1959 Zorro / Guy Williams, Henry Calvin
1958 1961 Bat Masterson / Gene Barry
1958 1962 Bronco / Ty Hardin
1958 1959 Buckskin / Tom Nolan, Sally Brophy
1958 1960 Cimarron City / George Montgomery, Audrey Totter
1958 1959 Frontier Doctor / Rex Allen
1958 1961 Frontier Justice / Lew Ayres, Melvyn Douglas, Ralph Bellamy
1958 1962 Lawman / John Russell, Peter Brown
1958 1959 Mackenzie's Raiders / Richard Carlson, Art Gilmore
1958 1959 Northwest Passage / Keith Larsen, Buddy Ebsen, Don Burnett
1958 1963 Rifleman (The) / Chuck Connors, Johnny Crawford, Paul Fix
1958 1959 Rough Riders / Kent Taylor, Jan Merlin, Peter Whitney
1958 1958 Union Pacific / Jeff Morrow, Judson Pratt
1958 1961 Wanted - Dead or Alive / Steve McQueen
1958 1959 Yancy Derringer / Jock Mahoney, X Brands
1959 1960 Alaskans (The) / Roger Moore, Dorothy Provine
1959 1960 Black Saddle / Peter Breck
1959 1973 Bonanza / Loren Greene, Michael Landon, Dan Blocker, Pernell Roberts, Victor Sen Yung
1959 1960 Hotel de Paree / Earl Holliman, Jeanette Nolan, Strother Martin
1959 1960 Jefferson Drum / Jeff Richards
1959 1960 Johnny Ringo / Don Durant, Mark Goddard
1959 1963 Laramie / Robert Fuller, John Smith, Spring Byington
1959 1960 Law of the Plainsman / Michael Ansara
1959 1960 Man from Blackhawk (The) / Sam Logan
1959 1959 Pony Express / Grant Sullivan, Don Dorrell
1959 1966 Rawhide / Clint Eastwood, Eric Fleming, Paul Brinegar
1959 1961 Rebel (The) / Nick Adams
1959 1961 Riverboat / Darren McGavin, Dick Wessel, Burt Reynolds
1959 1961 Shotgun Slade / Scott Brady
1959 1961 The Deputy / Henry Fonda, Allen Case
1959 1960 Wichita Town / Joel McCrea, Jody McCrea
1960 1962 Outlaws / Don Collier, Barton MacLane
1960 1960 Overland Trail / William Bendix, Doug McClure, Harry Guardino
1960 1961 Stagecoach West / Robert Bray, Wayne Rogers
1960 1962 Tall Man / Barry Sullivan, Clu Gulager
1960 1960 Two Faces West / Charles Bateman
1960 1960 Westerner (The) / Brian Keith
1960 1960 Whiplash / Peter Graves, Bobby Diamond
1960 1960 Wrangler / Jason Evers, Eli Boraks
1961 1962 Frontier Circus / Chill Wills, Richard Jaeckel, John Derek
1961 1961 Gunslinger / Tony Young, Preston Foster
1961 1961 Whispering Smith / Audie Murphy
1962 1964 Empire / Richard Egan, Charles Bronson, Ryan O'Neal
1962 1963 Stoney Burke / Jack Lord
1962 1971 Virginian (The) / James Drury, Doug McClure, Lee J. Cobb, Clu Gulager
1962 1963 Wide Country (The) / Earl Holliman, Andrew Prine
1963 1963 Dakotas (The) / Larry Ward, Jack Elam, Chad Everett
1963 1963 Redigo / Richard Egan, Don Diamond
1963 1964 Temple Houston / Jeffery Hunter, Jack Elam
1963 1964 Travels of Jaimie McPheeters / Kurt Russell, Dan O'Herlihy, Charles Bronson
1964 1970 Daniel Boone / Fess Parker, Ed Ames
1964 1964 Destry / John Gavin
1965 1969 Big Valley / Barbara Stanwyck, Richard Long, Lee Majors, Linda Evans
1965 1966 Branded / Chuck Connors
1965 1967 F Troop / Forrest Tucker, Ken Berry, Larry Storch
1965 1967 Laredo / Neville Brand, Peter Brown, William Smith
1965 1966 Legend of Jesse James / Allen Case, Christopher Jones
1965 1966 Loner (The) / Lloyd Bridges
1965 1966 Man Called Shenandoah (A) / Robert Horton
1965 1969 Wild Wild West / Robert Conrad, Ross Martin
1966 1968 Iron Horse / Dale Robertson
1966 1967 Monroes / Barbara Hershey, Michael Anderson, Ben Johnson
1966 1967 Pistols and Petticoats / Ann Sheridan, Gary Vinson
1966 1967 Road West / Rex Holman, Barbara Anderson
1966 1967 Rounders (The) / Ron Hayes, Patrick Wayne, Chill Wills
1966 1966 Shane / David Carridine, Jill Ireland, Tom Tully
1967 1968 Cimarron Strip / Stuart Whitman, Randy Boone
1967 1967 Custer / Wayne Maunder
1967 1967 Dundee and the Culhane / John Mills, Sean Garrison
1967 1969 Guns of Will Sonnett / Walter Brennan, Dack Rambo
1967 1971 High Chaparral / Lief Erickson, Cameron Mitchell, Henry Darrow, Linda Cristal
1967 1967 Hondo / Ralph Taeger, Noah Beery Jr
1967 1967 Rango / Tim Conway
1968 1970 Here Come the Brides / Robert Brown, Bobby Sherman, David Soul
1968 1970 Lancer / James Stacy, Wayne Maunder, Andrwe Duggan
1968 1969 Outcasts / Don Murray, Otis Young
1971 1973 Alias Smith and Jones / Ben Murphy, Peter Duel
1971 1972 Cade's County / Glenn Ford, Edgar Buchanan
1971 1972 Nichols / James Garner
1972 1974 Hec Ramsey / Richard Boone
1972 1975 Kung Fu / David Carridine, Keye Luke
1973 1973 Dusty's Trail / Bob Denver, Forrest Tucker
1974 1974 Dirty Sally / Jeanette Nolan
1974 1983 Little House on the Prairie / Michael Landon, Karen Grassle, Melissa Gilbert, Melissa Anderson
1975 1976 Barbary Coast / William Shatner, Doug McClure
1976 1976 Quest (The) / Kurt Russell, Tim Matheson, Brian Keith
1976 1976 Sara / Brenda Vaccaro, Jerry Hardin
1977 1978 Life and Times of Grizzly Adams / Dan Haggerty, Denver Pyle
1977 1977 Oregon Trail / Rod Taylor
1978 1978 Young Pioneers (The) / Linda Purl, David Beaton
1979 1980 Young Maverick / Charles Frank
1980 1980 Chisolms (The) / Robert Preston
1981 1981 Best of the West / Joel Higgins
1981 1983 Father Murphy / Merlin Olsen
1983 1983 Zorro and Son / Henry Darrow, Paul Regina
1985 1985 Wildside / William Smith, J.Eddie Peck, Meg Ryan
1989 1991 Bordertown / Richard Comar
1989 1992 Young Riders (The) / Stephen Baldwin, Josh Brolin, Anthony Zerbe
1993 1994 Adventures of Brisco County Jr / Bruce Campbell
1993 1998 Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman / Jane Seymour
1993 1994 Harts of the West / Beau Bridges
1995 1995 Legend / Richard Dean Anderson
1996 1996 The Lazarus Man / Robert Urich
1998 2000 Magnificent Seven (The) / Michael Biehn, Eric Close, Ron Perlman
2001 2002 Ponderosa / Drew Powell, Matt Carmody, Daniel H.Kelly, Jared Daperis
2004 2006 Deadwood / Ian McShane

Boomer Era Western TV Shows
(Alphabetical Order)

Name of Show /Selected Stars

Action in the Afternoon / Jack Valentine
Adventures of Brisco County Jr / Bruce Campbell
Adventures of Champion / Gene Autry's Champion
Alaskans (The) / Roger Moore, Dorothy Provine
Alias Smith and Jones / Ben Murphy, Peter Duel
Annie Oakley / Gail Davis
Barbary Coast / William Shatner, Doug McClure
Bat Masterson / Gene Barry
Best of the West / Joel Higgins
Big Valley / Barbara Stanwyck, Richard Long, Lee Majors, Linda Evans
Black Saddle / Peter Breck
Bonanza / Loren Greene, Michael Landon, Dan Blocker, Pernell Roberts, Victor Sen Yung
Boots and Saddles / John Pickard, Gardner McKay
Bordertown / Richard Comar
Branded / Chuck Connors
Brave Eagle / Keith Larsen
Broken Arrow / John Lupton, Michael Ansara
Bronco / Ty Hardin
Buckskin / Tom Nolan, Sally Brophy
Buffalo Bill, Jr / Dickie Jones, Nancy Gilbert
Cade's County / Glenn Ford, Edgar Buchanan
Californians (The) / Richard Coogan
Casey Jones / Alan Hale Jr, Bobby Clark
Cheyenne / Clint Walker
Chisolms (The) / Robert Preston
Cimarron City / George Montgomery, Audrey Totter
Cimarron Strip / Stuart Whitman, Randy Boone
Circus Boy / Micky Dolenz, Noah Beery Jr
Cisco Kid / Duncan Renaldo, Leo Carrillo
Colt .45 / Wayde Preston
Cowboy G-Men / Russell Hayden, Jackie Coogan
Custer / Wayne Maunder
Cyclone Malone / Ross Jones
Dakotas (The) / Larry Ward, Jack Elam, Chad Everett
Daniel Boone / Fess Parker, Ed Ames
Davy Crockett / Fess Parker, Buddy Ebsen
Deadwood / Ian McShane
Death Valley Days / Stanley Andrews, Robert Taylor
Destry / John Gavin
Dirty Sally / Jeanette Nolan
Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman / Jane Seymour
Dundee and the Culhane / John Mills, Sean Garrison
Dusty's Trail / Bob Denver, Forrest Tucker
Empire / Richard Egan, Charles Bronson, Ryan O'Neal
F Troop / Forrest Tucker, Ken Berry, Larry Storch
Father Murphy / Merlin Olsen
Flicka (My Friend) / Johnny Washbrook
Frontier / Walter Coy
Frontier Circus / Chill Wills, Richard Jaeckel, John Derek
Frontier Doctor / Rex Allen
Frontier Justice / Lew Ayres, Melvyn Douglas, Ralph Bellamy
Fury / Peter Graves, Bobby Diamond
Gene Autry / Gene Autry, Champion
Guns of Will Sonnett / Walter Brennan, Dack Rambo
Gunslinger / Tony Young, Preston Foster
Gunsmoke / James Arness, Milburn Stone, Amanda Blake, Dennis Weaver, Ken Curtis
Harts of the West / Beau Bridges
Have Gun, Will Travel / Richard Boone, Kam Tong
Hawkeye & the Last of the Mohicans / John Hart, Lon Chaney Jr
Hec Ramsey / Richard Boone
Here Come the Brides / Robert Brown, Bobby Sherman, David Soul
High Chaparral / Lief Erickson, Cameron Mitchell, Henry Darrow, Linda Cristal
Hondo / Ralph Taeger, Noah Beery Jr
Hopalong Cassidy / William Boyd, Topper, Edgar Buchanan, Andy Clyde
Hotel de Paree / Earl Holliman, Jeanette Nolan, Strother Martin
Howdy Doody / Buffalo Bob Smith
Iron Horse / Dale Robertson
Jefferson Drum / Jeff Richards
Jim Bowie / Scott Forbes
Johnny Ringo / Don Durant, Mark Goddard
Judge Roy Bean / Edgar Buchanan, X Brands
Kit Carson / Bill Williams, Don Diamond
Kung Fu / David Carridine, Keye Luke
Lancer / James Stacy, Wayne Maunder, Andrwe Duggan
Laramie / Robert Fuller, John Smith, Spring Byington
Laredo / Neville Brand, Peter Brown, William Smith
Law of the Plainsman / Michael Ansara
Lawman / John Russell, Peter Brown
Legend / Richard Dean Anderson
Legend of Jesse James / Allen Case, Christopher Jones
Life and Times of Grizzly Adams / Dan Haggerty, Denver Pyle
Little House on the Prairie / Michael Landon, Karen Grassle, Melissa Gilbert, Melissa Anderson
Lone Ranger / Clayton Moore, Jay Silverheels, John Hart
Loner (The) / Lloyd Bridges
Mackenzie's Raiders / Richard Carlson, Art Gilmore
Magnificent Seven (The) / Michael Biehn, Eric Close, Ron Perlman
Man Called Shenandoah (A) / Robert Horton
Man from Blackhawk (The) / Sam Logan
Man without a Gun / Rex Reason
Marshall of Gunsight Pass / Eddie Dean
Maverick / Jack Kelly, James Garner, Roger Moore
Monroes / Barbara Hershey, Michael Anderson, Ben Johnson
Nichols / James Garner
Northwest Passage / Keith Larsen, Buddy Ebsen, Don Burnett
Oregon Trail / Rod Taylor
Outcasts / Don Murray, Otis Young
Outlaws / Don Collier, Barton MacLane
Overland Trail / William Bendix, Doug McClure, Harry Guardino
Pistols and Petticoats / Ann Sheridan, Gary Vinson
Ponderosa / Drew Powell, Matt Carmody, Daniel H.Kelly, Jared Daperis
Pony Express / Grant Sullivan, Don Dorrell
Quest (The) / Kurt Russell, Tim Matheson, Brian Keith
Range Rider / Jock Mahoney, Dickie Jones
Rango / Tim Conway
Rawhide / Clint Eastwood, Eric Fleming, Paul Brinegar
Rebel (The) / Nick Adams
Red Ryder / Allan Lane, Louis Lettieri
Redigo / Richard Egan, Don Diamond
Restless Gun / John Payne
Rifleman (The) / Chuck Connors, Johnny Crawford, Paul Fix
Rin Tin Tin (Adventures of) / Rin Tin Tin, Lee Aaker, James Brown, Joe Sawyer
Riverboat / Darren McGavin, Dick Wessel, Burt Reynolds
Road West / Rex Holman, Barbara Anderson
Rough Riders / Kent Taylor, Jan Merlin, Peter Whitney
Rounders (The) / Ron Hayes, Patrick Wayne, Chill Wills
Roy Rogers / Roy Rogers, Dale Evans, Pat Brady, Trigger, Bullet
Sara / Brenda Vaccaro, Jerry Hardin
Sergeant Preston of the Yukon / Dick Simmons, Yukon King
Shane / David Carridine, Jill Ireland, Tom Tully
Sheriff of Cochise / John Bromfield
Shotgun Slade / Scott Brady
Sky King / Kirby Grant, Gloria Winters
Spin and Marty / Tim Considine, David Stollery
Stagecoach West / Robert Bray, Wayne Rogers
Steve Donovan, Western Marshall / Douglas Kennedy, Eddy Waller
Stoney Burke / Jack Lord
Sugarfoot / Will Hutchins
Tales of the Texas Rangers / Willard Parker, Harry Lauter
Tales of Wells Fargo / Dale Robertson
Tall Man / Barry Sullivan, Clu Gulager
Temple Houston / Jeffery Hunter, Jack Elam
The Deputy / Henry Fonda, Allen Case
The Lazarus Man / Robert Urich
Tombstone Territory / Pat Conway, Richard Eastham
Trackdown / Robert Culp
Travels of Jaimie McPheeters / Kurt Russell, Dan O'Herlihy, Charles Bronson
Twenty-Six Men / Tristam Coffin, Kelo Henderson
Two Faces West / Charles Bateman
Union Pacific / Jeff Morrow, Judson Pratt
Virginian (The) / James Drury, Doug McClure, Lee J. Cobb, Clu Gulager
Wagon Train / Ward Bond, John McIntire, Robert Horton, Frank McGrath
Wanted - Dead or Alive / Steve McQueen
Westerner (The) / Brian Keith
Whiplash / Peter Graves, Bobby Diamond
Whispering Smith / Audie Murphy
Wichita Town / Joel McCrea, Jody McCrea
Wide Country (The) / Earl Holliman, Andrew Prine
Wild Bill Hickock / Guy Madison, Andy Devine
Wild Wild West / Robert Conrad, Ross Martin
Wildside / William Smith, J.Eddie Peck, Meg Ryan
Wrangler / Jason Evers, Eli Boraks
Wyatt Earp / Hugh O'Brian
Yancy Derringer / Jock Mahoney, X Brands
Young Maverick / Charles Frank
Young Pioneers (The) / Linda Purl, David Beaton
Young Riders (The) / Stephen Baldwin, Josh Brolin, Anthony Zerbe
Zane Grey Theater / Dick Powell
Zorro / Guy Williams, Henry Calvin
Zorro and Son / Henry Darrow, Paul Regina

Half-Baked Thanksgiving

Here at Clear Creek Ranch we are realists. While we grow our own vegetables and bake our own bread, there are some things we know from experience we are just not destined to do. Like bake an edible pumpkin pie. This small flaw can be overlooked 51 weeks of the year, but come late November, I start scouting the town bakeries and other spots where pastry sightings have been reported.
I really should go shopping more often . . . or maybe less.
I successfully dodged the dozen towering teenaged skateboarders who apparently are required to live as vagrants on the sidewalks near all supermarkets, where they practice 360s until they lose consciousness and their skateboards careen wildly into the unsuspecting anklebones of innocent bystanders.
I quadruple-bypassed, without surgery or insurance, the gauntlet of obscenely overweight sample-servers, each clad incongruously in running shoes and jogging outfits, and who offered me skewered tidbits of dietetic cheese-food, meat-food, fruit-food, and cola-food.
I chided myself for thinking of all the laws I'd like to pass to make my visits to town more enjoyable and aesthetically pleasing. Laws that don't exist, but maybe should? Can etiquette or good taste be legislated?
For example: Should all men, regardless of stomach size, be required to wear their belt horizontal to the ground and finally admit they don't still have the 30-inch waist they once had in high school? Should skin-tight jeans be banned on most women over age 18 who weigh more than 120 pounds? Should all restaurant diners have their 49er baseball caps lopped from their heads by roving bands of machete-wielding hat police?
Ah, perhaps I expect too much of people.
I found my pumpkin pie neatly sealed in plastic and held in a disposable tinfoil pan (just like the Pilgrims!) and headed for the checkout counter. Against my better judgment I chose the shortest line.
The only customer ahead of me was a grizzled cowboy with a belt buckle the size of a hubcap. His shopping cart was filled with beef jerky strips and cigarettes. The clerk was a trainee and having trouble with the bar code scanner. While I waited patiently, the cowboy repeatedly whistled an absentminded, tunelessly annoying few bars of whatever notes he remembered of Johnny Cash's old hit "Folsom Prison Blues."
Meanwhile behind me at knee-level, I heard what sounded like silverware being dropped down the garbage disposal. I looked down to see a small sniffling urchin loudly inhaling his own mucus while his mother changed his baby sister's diaper in the shopping cart. She scolded the boy in high-decibel babytalk and handed the soiled diaper to the novice clerk, who ran it over the scanner. Then, using the same hand, she fished a tissue from somewhere and held it to the young boy's nose. He obligingly repeated his incredible noise while disgorging several gallons of vile slime into her hand. She handed that to the clerk too. I made a mental note when my turn came to run the pie over the scanner myself.
The whistling cowboy wanted to pay for his purchase using a combination of out-of-state checks, postage stamps, pesos, and what he claimed was the dried ear of a bull. While the clerk got the manager's approval on this bit of international finance, the cowboy continued his tune, consistently missing the same notes, over and over. My pupils dilated and my pulse began to race.
"I shot a man in Safeway just to watch him die," I sang in perfect time to the cowboy's music. "When all I really wanted was to buy a pumpkin pie."
While others stared, the little coughing mucus machine was unimpressed. "I gotta go potty now," he announced to everyone.
I realized I did too. But I was able to hold it (and my pie) until I got back to Clear Creek Ranch. And for that I'm very thankful.

July 4th: Selling the Sizzle Is At Stake

Sales fizzled again last year here at the Clear Creek Ranch fireworks stand. The new pre-purchase screening protocol I imposed may be to blame. Between the written and oral tests, plus the background and liability insurance checks, the compulsory safety video, and the implantation of GPS satellite tracking devices, it is a good two days before a patriotic pyromaniac can even get close to an M-80 around here.
Still, it seems a small price to pay to be able to blow something up to celebrate our declaration of independence from England, AND support a worthy cause (me) at the same time.
Perhaps the test was too hard. Some examples: How many future U.S. presidents signed the declaration? Name the signers whose faces currently appear on our paper currency. Who REALLY wrote the declaration, Thomas Jefferson or Thomas Paine? How many years did the revolutionary war last? What Indians can we thank for distracting the British and keeping the war from lasting even longer?
And the essay question: Just how independent are we? The majority in both the U.S.A. and England speak English, (although I DO require subtitles and a glossary when viewing British films or American hip-hop videos). Both countries have red, white and blue flags and both enjoy ongoing political intrigues around the world.
The Brits once burned Washington D.C. to the ground, yet we bailed them out of TWO world wars, AND took over several of their botched diplomatic operations in the Middle East, including the deadly and unsolvable Gordian knot that is Arab/Israeli politics.
They gave us Russell Brand and Eddie Izzard. We MUST do something about that exchange rate.
Their dysfunctional royal family is OUR dysfunctional royal family. A royal ex-wife does American television info-mercials for weight loss schemes. The media keeps us better informed on the comings and goings of the royal grandkids than we are of our own.
Independent or not, July 4th is a day for making loud noises and exploding things. Too bad the founding fathers didn't take into account how tinder box dry things are this time of year. If only they signed their petition during the rainy season! But then they were NOT "safe and sane," they were revolutionaries.
As parched as things are right now, one stray bottle rocket and there goes the neighborhood, up in smoke. The same is true in the towns near Clear Creek Ranch. Chock full of picturesque 125 year old Victorians, aka expensive stacks of kindling. Yet each year, fundraisers in town flog explosives in the name of charity AND patriotism. It is hard to argue against, and hard to understand at the same time.
Which is why, here at the ranch fireworks stand, we only sell to folks with working VCRs. Our fireworks displays are on VHS or DVD only. No need to huddle outside in the dark, nursing that holiday sunburn and being eaten alive by mosquitoes, on the off chance of seeing the neighborhood in flames.
Just slip into something red, white and blue and douse the house lights. We've compiled a two hour assortment of the best fireworks displays ever taped "off the air." Replay that quintuple starburst with the cherry bomb punctuation as many times as you want and fast-forward through the commercials.
And if you really want to be patriotic, splurge on the largest big-screen, flat screen, high definition TV you can find. Because if there are two things that make America great, they are blowing up things and throwing money around. And when you can combine the two, well, that is revolutionary. Or is it revolting?
Perhaps this 4th is the day to find out.

How NOT to Change a Lightbulb

"That light is burned out in the cellar again," my wife announced brightly.
"And which cellar would that be?" I asked. "Our root cellar -- home to grotesque semi-comatose vegetable species not normally found in nature? Or our wine cellar -- final resting place to several vintages of home-bottled Chateau de Clear Creek wine in various shades of murky brown or gray (the contents, not the glass)?The glass is dark green to obscure the floating chunks. Or our brick-lined combination mildew farm/frog grotto -- the one with the seasonally-submerged chandelier?"
"You aren't going to start singing 'Sump-where Under The Rainbow' again, are you? That always scares the cats."
By the way, we have only one cellar, but it has served all the above-mentioned purposes over the years. I hand-dug it during my "Voluntary Simplicity" phase. (Voluntary Stupidity, perhaps?) Its sole function is as a reliable gauge for the level of the local water table. Just check the high water marks, when the light isn't burned out or submerged.
"Let's convert the cellar to a darkroom," I said.
"What's to convert?" my wife said dimly. "With the bulb burned out, it's as dark as it gets in there."
"I mean a photography darkroom. I can develop prints documenting the quaint aspects our rustic lifestyle."
"Tell me, Prints Charming, how much will this cost?"
I gave her a dollars-and-cents answer, but forgot to include the sense, ie the emotional wear-and-tear factor. She agreed, but thought it was an elaborate way to avoid changing a light bulb.
I had a new focus in life and couldn't wait to see what developed. There were things to buy and plans to make. I pictured a pleasant pastime zooming into a new career. Perhaps I could produce a slick coffee table book of poignant black-and-white photographs.
My wife reminded me of my tendency to flit from one project to next, rarely completing any of them.
"You could write an autobiography," she said. "Call it 'The Great Gadfly."
"I prefer the lens-name F-stop FitzDrummond." Literary critics are everywhere.
I did not buy a point-and-shoot, automatic-everything camera. They are fine for tourist snapshots, but not for the epic volume I had in mind. And there is something macho about owning a telephoto lens so big it needs straps and a tripod to support it.
I took a crash course in photography: shutter speeds, diaphragms, lenses, aperture settings, emulsions, chemistry, physics, light meters, enlargers, tripod etiquette, and more. And acquired an encyclopedic knowledge of cheese names, as in "say cheese," "edam and weep," etc., depending on the mood required.
Soon I was a vision in my photographer's vest, festooned with film cans, spare lenses, camera straps, pouches, filters, and more straps.
But no one told me about the Rule of Thumb. Mine is always there in the foreground of every print, out of focus, somewhere between the lens and the subject. Giving new meaning to the term camera obscura.
As my wife had predicted, F-stop FitzDrummond's darkroom soon reverted to its more primitive nature -- home to stalagmite and stalactite wannabees. (No, I do not know which is which).
And at the risk of being charged with Polonius assault, I've finally learned a lesson from Shakespeare's Hamlet, "Neither a burrower nor a lenser be."
Or for you Latin lovers, "Caveat Snaptor."

(Note: this was composed in my pre-digital daze.)

Clear Creek Blues

This is the first year I will appear on stage at the Clear Creek Ranch Blues Festival as a performer. My internet harmonica lessons are going well, although musician friends warn me there is a difference between "virtual" and "reality" when it comes to live audiences.
I am sure my new "blues guy" wardrobe will more than offset my musical shortcomings. I've studied the sartorial content on old blues album covers and I have the "look" down. Somewhere between Lightnin' Hopkins, the Blues Brothers, and the Harmoni-Cats.
The harmonica is part of my genetic heritage. The diatonic harmonica (aka the harp) was developed to accompany Bavarian folk tunes, and while my ancestors aren't 100% German, genetically I am only a few steins short of an Oktoberfest pitcher when it comes to qualifying.
I have a custom-built twelve pocket vest to hold a complete set of harps in every key. The vest doesn't really go with the lederhosen, but my little tyrolean hat, when worn with wrap-around shades, comes close to duplicating the "blues guy" look in those grainy old photos from the Mississippi delta or Chicago or where ever.
I am working on my stage name. Blues musicians have nicknames that describe a physical attribute, like Slim, Fats, Shakey, or Big Mama. When my wife caught my act, just as I caught my moustache in the harmonica and almost tore my own lip off, she suggested Howlin' Tone-Deaf White Boy. I like it.
This wasn't my first altercation with a harmonica. In high school, during folksinging's 1960's heyday, I got one hooked on my braces for a week. Didn't need one of those goofy bent-coathanger things around my neck to simultaneously strum my guitar, toot my harmonica and bleat an excellent imitation of Bob Dylan. Peanut butter sandwiches, however, were a big problem.
Anyway, the internet music lessons are going great -- although my teacher can't actually hear my efforts. But I've learned all about tremolo, bending notes, and more than necessary about scales. Yesterday I discovered that vibrato is not just a marital aid, it has its place right there on stage as well.
My harmonicas work no matter which direction the hot air is flowing -- out or in. Here is some harp terminology for you. "Out" is called blowing, but "in," I learned, is not called sucking. The proper gerund is "drawing."
I once relegated the harmonica to the musical backwater next to the kazoos, but I now think it has more in common, tonally, with gargling next to a microphone, and/or amplifier feedback.
My harmonicas are certainly more portable than the average tuba or piano. Many is the time I've sidled up to a street corner jam session, whipped out one (or more) of my ten-holed Hohners, and literally stopped the show. One stunned musician asked to see my concealed musical instrument permit. He looked awfully serious.
On another occasion, a street musician asked if I could define "perfect pitch". "No," I shrugged. By way of an answer, my interrogator grabbed the harmonica from my hand, and in a single fluid motion lobbed it across four lanes of traffic where it landed dead center in a trash can.
Instead of becoming angry and saying something like, "Hey man, that draws!", I stayed positive. He did have impressive technique. I emptied nine of my vest pockets before I hit a ringer myself. My dark glasses may have been a handicap.
Which way is Chicago, anyway? Tell 'em "Tone-Deaf" is coming to their town. Or better yet, don't. Let me surprise them.

Have a Berry Nice Day

Nature can be very wasteful. Take blackberries for example. We've got about an acre of them growing in a thick tangle downhill from our spring here at Clear Creek Ranch. In season they produce thousands, perhaps millions of juicy, sweet, blue-black berry clusters.
When we first purchased our property we didn't know what to do with such a bonanza, but the local wildlife did. The deer browsed as high as they could reach on the outer edges of the patch. When those canes were bare, they moved on to easier pickings -- in our erstwhile rose garden.
The sweetest berries, of course, were in the impenetrable interior of the patch, where each cluster was protected by a phalanx of bloodthirsty thorns. Having torn myself to shreds in a futile quest after these succulent beauties, I forfeited all future rights to the airborne division: the neighborhood birds.
The ease with which they feasted upon their bounty irked me. Some perched on the very thorns that still bore traces of my shirt threads and dried blood. And the feathered freeloaders were so reckless and wasteful. A single peck at each berry cluster and then on to the next. Most of the fruit rotted where it hung. Things had to change.
That autumn I rented a brush clearing machine and mowed a a maze-like series of intersecting rows through the patch so I'd have access to the next summer's crop. To thwart the deer, who would have treated these new rows like additional aisles at the open air grocery store, I mowed a single entrance to the maze and secured it with an eight foot high wire gate.
This system worked great, as long as I remembered to close the gate. Soon we were feasting on bucketsful of the luscious berries. But even a steady diet of caviar and champagne gets old, I am told. (I've never had a first hand opportunity to research this, but I will consider any offers in this direction.)
Our berry-lust was sated long before the bushes quit producing, so we hunted for new outlets for our harvest. Unfortunately, the few neighbors who would admit to eating anything that didn't start out with hooves, fur, and/or feathers were already inundated with their own berry crops.
"How about a roadside stand," my wife suggested.
I told her of my bitter disappointment as a youthful lemonade entrepreneur on a lightly-traveled cul-de-sac somewhere deep within a bland tract development in outer-suburbia. My only sale had been to the neighborhood mailman. And even those sales figures were artifically inflated. (Mom, if you're reading, I've never mentioned this, but I saw you hand him that dime when he dropped off our mail just before he stopped at my stand).
Still, we had bushels of berries rotting on our screen porch and one of our neighbors had an abandoned vegetable stand out by the county road. It was a ramshackle affair, with sagging roof and peeling paint and had belonged to someone named Chuck, because "Chuck's" was scrawled in large free-hand letters on both sides. According to my neighbor, weekend traffic on the road was brisk, and chockful of rich foreigners from the city.
That weekend I carted my berries to the stand, hand painted my own addendum to Chuck's magnificent work: "berry's." I know that's the wrong spelling. But a dyslexic haze shrouded my brain as soon as I picked up the paintbrush. In addition to the Y' where the IE should have been, the first R was flipped backwards so its little leg pointed to the left. I adjusted my overalls, settled down with my crossword puzzle and nibbled on berries while I waited for my public to discover me.
Several hours later, when most of the berries were gone, they did. By then my hands, lips, and shirtfront were stained blue with berry juice. A carload of little kids stared at me like I was the tattooed carnival man. Their mother asked if I had restroom facilities for her squirming urchins. I pointed a blue finger toward the the bushes behind the shed, and even offered my crossword puzzle if she was in need of paper products.
"Give me a map back to civilization, you blue-faced yahoo!" she screeched. I extracted a waterlogged map from my truck glove box and she flipped me a $10 bill, not waiting for change.
Slight variations on this scenario repeated themselves throughout the day. A little "idea light" twinkled in my brain.
The roadside stand is now fruitless, but fruitful, despite an irate visit from the local chapter of the Apostrophe Abuse Council. Chuck's Berry's now houses a road map vending machine and two pay toilets. Business is brisk, and I don't even have to be there.
The outhouse, of course, is known as the Johnny B Goode.